April ’07

Sailor Flop -9.8MS2 The brilliant circuit jockeys at Sailor Flop float above the competition … literally. The world’s lightest bass rig, the -9.8MS2 (Price: High. Really high) attains suborbital flux thanks to recent developments in General Relativity (particularly the Decke-Mund Solution), a Class D-rift power amp, and geominimum speakers. Early spotters report super unheavy tone, an airy top end, and sore necks. Sailor Flop, www.sailorflop.com.

April ’01

Wrong notes will become a thing of the past with the NoClam Fretboard Shocker (list price $199). Utilizing California-safe electricity and the same technology found in stun guns, the Fretboard Shocker fits into your bass’s control cavity and clips to the bridge, administering 65,000 watts into the hands of players playing out of key. Not for children under five or use near water sources. Vandelay Industries, 145 Costanza Way, Flintstone, MD 21530; (310) 555-0401 phone/fax; www.burntdigits.com.

The Phooledhugh Pluck-n-Go series of disposable basses lists for $49 for the 4-string (also available in variety pack of 12 for $400). The biodegradable Pluck-n-Go features a body made from puffed rice and a seven-ply bamboo bolt-on neck. Pickups are passive Tortellini PB&J-style. Phooledhugh Basses, 1 April Lane, Coeur d’Alene, ID 83816; www.phooledhughbasses.com.

April ’00

QwilTunes’ new Bass Mittens are designed to make it more difficult to practice, so you’re sure to “play better in no time.” Use just one to concentrate on fretting or plucking technique or wear both for fastest improvement. Insert optional five-pound weights ($9) for added benefits. Daily practice with Bass Mittens is guaranteed to “take the frustration out of playing and put it in practicing, where it belongs.” Also good for “muted dub” tone and giving shiny new strings that broken-in “thud” sound. Customized for 4-string through 7-string players, prices range from $49 to $109; $59 $119 for faux fur-lined. QwilTunes, 1856 Henderson, Milkanwatha, MN 55120; www.bassmittens.com.

Tailor Electronics’ Emperor MT FX pedal comes in a cool-looking, vintage-style, rugged steel casing with rubber feet to prevent stage slipping. Sporting a single footswitch, two knobs, and input and output jacks, the MT FX runs for months on a 9-volt battery or optional AC adapter ($29.99). “Only truly talented musicians” will appreciate its sound-shaping qualities. $449. Tailor Electronics, 1 Pride Circle, Bozeman, MT 59710.

April ’97 [w/Crusher.jpg]

Crusher, Inc., introduces The Crusher, designed “to add compression to any pedal.” It lists for $19.95. Crusher, Inc., c/o Waste Metal Management Systems, 3222 Altamont Blvd., Fremont, CA 94661.

April ’96

The Kisaras VaporBass promises to be a “superb instrument at an absolute rock-bottom price.” While no prototype is yet available, the manufacturer is currently seeking artists to sign endorsement deals for free equipment. For consideration, send your qualifications and a one-sentence testimonial expressing the superior quality of the VaporBass to: Kisaras, 473 Jean St., Suite 105, Oakland, CA 94610.

Taperformance introduces Microcores, “the world’s first truly taper-core bass strings.” In order to provide an absolute minimum string mass passing over the bridge, the center wire of a Microcore is reduced in diameter to only 1–2 microns near the ball end. Resonance with the body is almost entirely eliminated, and the string is said to have “near infinite sustain.” Although Microcores are reportedly safe to tune to pitch, a pair of safety goggles is included “just in case.” $30 per set. Taperformance, 3345 American Way, Mexico City, Mexico.

April '95

The Great Basses by Joan G. Slag: The 1957 Electro-Shock Virtual Bass

During Operation Shock Wave, the government’s World War II top secret project to develop a “sound bomb” (see Johnny Colt interview, March ’95), Pentagon engineers stumbled upon the idea for a revolutionary controlling device for the weapon, the Virtual Bass. Blueprints for the instrument were handed over to the Electro-Shock Corporation, which began to develop the Virtual Bass in large numbers by the mid-’50s. Unfortunately, the concept was slightly ahead of its time, and apparently the musicians of emerging rock & roll were not ready for such a device. The company filed for bankruptcy in 1958, and shortly afterward, its warehouse caught fire and the entire inventory—some 800,000 Virtual Basses—was destroyed. Of the few that had been purchased, most were confiscated by the FBI when it was discovered that a glitch in the operating system occasionally revealed to the user images of a nude J. Edgar Hoover. The few who tried a Virtual Bass remember it as a breathtaking—if sometimes nauseating—way to experience bass without all those darn strings, knobs, and tuners.

Availability: Extremely rare; never actually existed.

April ’94

John Seward bass. The WC-500 is a through-body carbon-fiber bass with perfect relief for whizzing around the neck with fast runs. Other features include a large volume pot and a flush-mounted ceramic P pickup for a fat bottom end. An acoustic version, the WC-X, lacks electronics and features cedar binding and an extra-large soundhole. John Seward, 1028 S. Saratoga/Sunnyvale Rd. Suite B-104, San Jose, CA 95129.

April ’93

Shipman Electronics noise-reduction system. The Terminator ($49.95) is a stomp box with an input jack but no output jack. The ultimate noise-reduction pedal, it has a –240dB signal-to-noise ratio and unlimited frequency response. Especially effective on electric guitars. Shipman Electronics, 261 El Sereno Dr., Scotts Valley, CA 95066.

ArenaLogic stool. The Unplugga ($99.99 list) is a stool specifically designed for use onstage during “acoustic” sets. Features include a maple top, cedar legs and braces, a clip on the seat for your cord, and a built-in rack for your effects. Special tongue & groove joints can withstand sound-pressure levels in excess of 120dB. ArenaLogic, 473 Jean St. Suite 105, Oakland, CA 94610.

April ’97

Western Sound Serial Killer 1x12 combo, By Scott Maladjusted

When you first look at the Western Sound Serial Killer, it looks like any other 1x12 combo. It’s black, it’s got a power cord, several control knobs, and a jack to plug in your bass. But we have to say, the way this thing was designed leaves an awful lot to be desired.

It seems amp manufacturers are always trying to do something different in the hopes of improving tone—and apparently Western Sound is no exception. The Serial Killer features an unusual “rear-firing” speaker. The exact design specification is complicated, but it goes something like this: rather than mount the speaker on the front of the amp, as with 99% of the other combos on the market, Western Sound places its driver on the back. The reason for this is unclear. When we plugged in and played our favorite fast ’n’ furious slap lines (the real test for any combo), we found the amp had a lack of presence. Furthermore, getting it anywhere near the wall of our Soundlab tended to muffle the tone, and pressing it against the wall choked the sound completely. We found the amp was fine for cool, dub-style reggae lines, but anything else fell flat. Unfortunately, the Serial Killer’s treble control just doesn’t add enough bite to bring the tone back to normal. Oddly, when we stood behind the amp we found it actually sounds better than when you stand in front of it. Why doesn’t Western Sound mount the speaker on the front like everyone else? Is it just to be different?

We found other flaws with the design of the Serial Killer. The austere front panel, with only the power cord and a fuse holder, may be the ultimate in the “less-is-more” trend of today’s front panels—but it’s going overboard in our opinion. Where are its controls, you ask? On the back panel, of course! Needless to say, it’s a pain to have to reach around to turn on the amp or to tweak your tone, and the weird back-panel location of the input jack effectively shortens the length of your cord by about two feet. Lame.

While we applaud Western Sound’s attempts to be innovative, we have to question their judgment. Overall, this is one of the poorest-designed amps we’ve ever seen. To be fair, we allowed the manufacturer to respond—but they only faxed us a note with huge letters saying, “YOU GUYS HAVE YOUR HEADS UP YOUR [you-know-whats].” Yeah, right … it’s our problem. Anyway, don’t take our word for it—try out a Serial Killer for yourself. Then tell ’em you agree with BASS PLAYER: this thing rots.

Western Sound Serial Killer combo

List Price: $419.97
Construction: 3
Electronics: 2
Ease of Use: 1
Sound: 1
Value: 2
Bottom Line: Won’t turn any heads.

April ’92

Wesco PeneTraitor, By Lumpy Fatt

I have to admit I was skeptical when I first saw the Wesco PeneTraitor. Can an instrument with such a radical design—one that breaks every rule known to bass-building—be successful?

Construction. The PeneTraitor has a body-through-neck design: a piece of the body actually loops outward from the back of the instrument, passes though the neck at the heel, and rejoins the body at the upper cutaway. The advantage of this is unclear. The body consists of two rubber wings; they are hinged to each other and flap wildly at the flip of a switch, for a refreshing breeze. Mounted to the upper cutaway is a rear-view mirror, so you can establish eye-contact with the drummer while facing the audience. (The mirror, by the way, is completely useless and somewhat dangerous while the body wings are flapping.) The neck is made of particleboard, which “eliminates unwanted resonances and sustain,” according to the manufacturer. But here’s the unusual part: there are only three strings on the neck. Closer inspection reveals a much smaller second neck, which juts out from the body at an unusual angle and accommodates the G string. (The advantage of this, too, is unclear.) The PeneTraitor headstock resembles a Greek Corinthian column; Wesco says this adds a “classic” look. Since the headstock lacks tuners, bringing the instrument up to tune is something of a chore, involving pulleys and a live ox. Fortunately, this is clearly explained in the manual.

Electronics. The circuitry is surprisingly simple: one pickup, three on/off switches disguised as control knobs, and an output jack. Numerous other control knobs add various types of hum and white noise to your signal. The PeneTraitor requires AC power; the face of the instrument sports a 6-outlet power strip for your amp and effects, though this didn’t work on the test instrument.

Comments. So how does it sound? Awful. Even with all the controls set to zero, the PeneTraitor emits crackling, distorted static that only gets worse as you tweak your tone. None of the pitches are discernable, and high notes are out of the frequency range of the pickup. To make matters worse, playing the instrument sets up shock waves that cause pieces of the neck and headstock to fall off. In a word, the PeneTraitor sucks, and the people at Wesco should be ashamed of themselves.

Manufacturer’s Response

You’re right. We’ll go back to organic farming. We would like to point out, however, that...

Continued on page 108

April ’01

Getting To First Bass: Wes Palorofsli Of Wesco Industries, By Jim Roberts

One of the most incredible instruments reviewed in BP’s early days was the Wesco PeneTraitor, which got a once-over in April ’92. None of us had ever seen an instrument quite like the PeneTraitor, with its body-through-neck design, particleboard neck, and built-in 6-outlet power strip. And we’d never heard anything like its tone, which featured crackling static and indistinct pitch in all registers. Lumpy Fatt’s Product Profile concluded: “In a word, the PeneTraitor sucks, and the people at Wesco should be ashamed of themselves.”

As you might imagine, this didn’t go over too well with Wes Palorofsli, Wesco’s founder and creator of the PeneTraitor. So I wasn’t surprised when my initial attempts to locate him turned up nothing. One of his former associates said he was dead; another said he’d taken up organic farming. But thanks to some clever detective work by Senior Editor Karl Coryat, I learned Wes is alive and well—and still making unique instruments.

“It all started when I was ten years old,” Palorofsli explains. “I saw the Monkees on TV and immediately started bothering my dad to buy me a bass. I remember going into his bedroom at 3 AM, dumping a bucket of icy saltwater on his face, and yelling, ‘Buy me a goddamn bass or I’ll bury you alive in fiberglass insulation!’” Despite this passionate plea, Wes didn’t get a bass. In fact, he got shipped off to a vocational boarding school in North Dakota.

Life was hard at the school, but Palorofsli got valuable training working in its novelty-goods factory. “We made croquet equipment, faux driftwood—in North Dakota, actual driftwood is not easy to come by—and decorative nautical items, such as ersatz-scrimshaw plaques that said FISHERMEN HAVE BIGGER DINGHIES and the like.” Not surprisingly, he became a skilled woodcarver.

After an unfortunate incident Wes fled the school grounds, fearing reassignment as a clothespin maker. He soon found himself in the back of a pickup speeding down I-94 during a freezing rainstorm. “I noticed I was surrounded by broken acoustic-guitar parts. It was as if I had been divinely placed in the perfect place at the perfect time. I banged on the window to alert the driver, which startled him. The truck swerved on the icy road and flipped over. I ended up buried in a mountain of jagged spruce and rosewood shards—but I was okay.”

As it turned out, the truck had been headed to Phoenix Guitars in Minneapolis. The shop’s owners took pity on Palorofsli and offered him a job. He remembers those days vividly: “We made cheap acoustic guitars by gluing together bits of old, smashed instruments. To this day, I’ve never seen a facility of such fine efficiency. We would all wake up at 5:30 AM and get right to work, stopping only briefly at noon to dine on pork by-products from a local abattoir. We would work all afternoon, knock off at 6:00, imbibe staggering quantities of fermented cabbage water, and then hit the hay. This was my life for nearly seven years. I was in heaven.”

Like many of the other luthiers I’ve interviewed, Wes eventually got the urge to set out on his own. “I realized that if you used bits of anything wooden that was smashed—not just smashed guitars—you could make instruments of almost equal quality. So in 1985 I put in my notice with Phoenix and started my own company. Remembering my childhood Monkees epiphany, I decided to concentrate on electric basses.”

Palorofsli’s first 4-string was the Wesco ComPactor, which was made from wood chips compressed in a household trash compactor. It had a 52" scale, 72 frets, and electronics borrowed from Quasar televisions. “We wound our own pickups, using wire from the TV sets,” notes Wes. The bass had a unique look and sound—but there were problems. “Almost as soon as the first units shipped, we started getting returns. Apparently when you plucked a string, the bass would start shedding wood chips—a phenomenon our engineering department would later call ‘fundamental integrity flux.’ By the end of a set, players were usually left with little more than four dangling strings and a strap.”

Wesco followed up with such instruments as the PicoBass (which required a microscope to play), the ReallyPrecise (which had a separate string for each note), and the revolutionary AirBass (actually made of air). But it was the PeneTraitor that really put Palorofsli’s company on the map. Briefly, anyway—until that BP review crushed sales and left Wesco on the verge of bankruptcy.

Undaunted, Wes returned to his drawing board. (At least I think that’s what he said. It might have been “drinking gourd.”) His latest subsonic creation is the BassU.V., which he calls “the perfect axe for today’s busy, hectic lifestyle.” This power-sucking beast has a built-in cell phone and wireless stock-trading interface, so you can play bass, chat with a friend, and update your portfolio while driving down the freeway at 75 MPH. “There’s also a gas-powered leaf blower,” adds Wes excitedly, “for those smoggy early mornings when there’s not much to do except pretty up the lawn.”

Wow—we certainly have come a long way from those old P-Basses, haven’t we? And it’s been visionaries like Wes Palorofsli who have shown the way. “As long as there’s a design approach that hasn’t been tried, no matter how unfeasible, impractical, or even illegal, we’re willing to step up and give it a shot. Nobody ever said genius is pretty.”

Bonus April Fools treasures

April ’04

Bass In the Oval Office

Reader Charlie McNamara was the first among several readers who let us know about the news story revealing that Senator John Kerry was once a bass player [top photo, third from right]. Indeed, the presidential candidate from Massachusetts held the bass chair in the Electras, the band he formed with friends in 1961 while he attended prep school in New Hampshire. Through a custom recording studio, the Electras made a self-titled record, which makes Senator Kerry the first presidential candidate to have ever made a rock record. Since bass players often tend to be strong leaders—think of all the producers and music directors who are bassists—we figured that there must have been other top office-holders, perhaps even before the recorded-music era, that had some experience holding down the low end. We found time to do a little research while finishing up this April issue, and we were amazed (though not surprised) to find that there were at least two others. At bottom right is a rare portrait of Grover Cleveland, the 22nd and 24th president, posing with his favorite Fender Precision. Despite his stately public appearance, it seems Cleveland was regularly referred to within the White House corridors as “Groovin’ Grover.” We also learned from a reputable source that in his later, post-presidential years John Quincy Adams was known to slap a few funk lines with a pickup band he liked to call JQ & the Smithsonian Institutionalists. (Personally, I think a better name would have been Q & the Gang.)

April ’99

Weab Gexler of Glök, by Lou Skanin

Is less really more? Consider Weab Gexler’s part on the latest Glök release, Jesus Pistol [Earbleed]. Throughout the CD’s lone 57-minute track, “Black Rain,” Weab plays only a repeated low C on his detuned, tapewound-strung Burns Bison. According to Gexler the track was cut live with no overdubs, with the nuances of Weab’s chalky tone captured by a room mike positioned 8' from his Baldwin Exterminator amp. So how—and, more important, why—did he do it? “Sure, drugs played a big part,” the 44-year-old Newark native says. “I also work in a tire shop, and I have a thick, nerveless layer of scar tissue on both hands from a recapping accident. So in most ways I’m feelin’ no pain. I chose that note because it worked with what the other guys were doing—as far as I could tell—and any time I tried to play something more complicated I got shocked with a cattle prod.”

So what’s next for dronecore’s premiere minimalist? “For our upcoming tour I’m going for a heavier sound, so I’m thinking about getting a 6-string—I’ve heard they weigh a lot.” Great idea, Weab—here’s hoping you’ll play even less next time around.